


I wanted

by AnnieO



Category: Doctor Who
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-16
Updated: 2014-11-16
Packaged: 2018-02-25 16:30:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,523
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2628410
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AnnieO/pseuds/AnnieO
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There were ten things the Doctor wanted but only one he needed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	I wanted

[ ](http://s13.beta.photobucket.com/user/AnnieO1/media/IWantedlayered.jpg.html)

I.

I wanted to die.

Simple. Easy. Quick. Oh, sure, I just got this body, hadn’t even looked in a mirror in fact. It didn’t matter; I had no intention of getting comfortable with it. To many memories burned through my head. Too much pain, not enough life. This body was brought about through death and pain, and I had every intention of ending it the same way.

It was simple enough: go in, set the bomb, and boom, no more body. ‘Course I would have to find a way to deal with the bodies I had left, but I’d worry about that later. Right now all that mattered was this moment.

Here and now…this is who I am.

Death sang in my mind. Pain flowed through my veins. Emptiness consumed my soul. I wanted to end it. Was gong to end it. Then she was there, all pink and yellow, scared and determined, stupid ape and clever girl.

I took her hand and everything…

Stopped.

The screams, the rage, everything stopped. The emptiness that had haunted me was suddenly filled, and I actually thought for a moment that it might have all been a nightmare. Then I said one word…just one…

Run!

And we did. Oh, but she is clever, not a bad guess about students. Not even close to the truth, but still not bad for a stupid ape. She impressed me enough that I even told her my brilliant plan, not the part about dying, but everything else.

Then I let go of her hand, and everything came crashing back down. The pain, the loneliness…the silence-I had to know something, just one more thing.

_“I’m the Doctor, by the way. What’s your name?”_

_“Rose.”_

_“Nice to met you, Rose. Run for your life!”_

Rose….

Maybe today isn’t a good day to die.

II.

I wanted it dead.

It was the reason I was scarred .It was the reason I was alone. It was the reason I even landed in this stinking place. It didn’t deserve to live. It didn’t deserve pity. It didn’t deserve anything. I tried. I tried to stop it before it could do any more damage then it had already caused me. But they stopped me. Stupid humans can’t see the danger even if it’s looking down its eyestalk at them.

It was death. It was anger. It was pure evil. And I left Rose alone with it. Again I was forced to choose. Again I was the only one capable of ending it. And again I lost everything.

Rose…

I could feel the darkness gathering. I knew without her here to keep the nightmares at bay, _he_ would come. _He_ would take control and nothing… _nothing_ would survive the rage. The Storm, locked away, contained in the golden touch of a nineteen-year-old human girl. Now the cage was gone and _he_ was ready.

Vanstaten didn’t understand. None of them did. Without Rose, without my anchor, I would have no control over what I did. My fists clenched, the fire built up and the storm began to rage. One quick twist, that’s all it would take to end Vanstaten and his pathetic grasp at power. He was so engrossed in his own self-importance he didn’t even see the damage he caused. All those innocents killed. Dying at the hands of something I had to power to stop, but he denied me that chance. Everyone was dead because of him. Everyone!

Rose….

Why hadn’t it killed her? What was it playing at? Oh, but I couldn’t leave her again…never again. So I let it out. I let the one thing I feared out and loose to only cause more death; to let it put more blood on my hands. Why? Why would I do that?

_“What use are emotions if you won’t save the woman you love?”_

Love? There’s not enough room left in my stone hearts for that emotion. I don’t love her. I can’t love her. Love her…No. Never. I’ll never let that happen. I don’t deserve to love. It doesn’t deserve to live. But then…

Neither do I.

Why is she protecting it? Doesn’t she realize what it is? Death! Destruction! Exterminate!

_What about you, Doctor? What are you turning into?_

_That thing killed hundreds of people._

_It’s not the one pointing a gun at me._

What have I become? Could I have changed so much since the war that I have no compassion left? Can I be no different then them?

_You would make a good Dalek._

Maybe it’s right. Maybe all that’s left in me in hate, loathing, pain, and the vast emptiness of my people. I had mercy once. I even sparred the Daleks in their infantile forms. I could have ended it right then, but I couldn’t.

Always the coward me.

I let them live. I let them advance. I let them destroy. I let them…Gallifrey. Arcadia. Utah. It’s my doing. I started the war. I ended that war. And the cost of both was my humanity.

_Why do we survive?_

It’s my punishment…my very own purgatory. And I let her in. I let her see what I never wanted anyone to see. Death is my silent companion, always beside me no matter how hard I try to keep it back. Now it’s touched Rose and I know she’ll never be the same again. She gave the order. She caused the last Dalek to die. She’ll never be the same person again.

I should’ve taken her home. I never should’ve gone back.

I never should’ve taken her hand.

I can’t let it go now. That hand is all that is keeping me from exploding into a thousand shards of pain. I need her. I should let her go. Back to London, back to beans on toast and watching telly. I should…I should…I can’t.

I don’t deserve her. I don’t want her. I don’t love her. I don’t!

I _need_ her.

III.

I wanted to run.

How could I be so stupid! I never should have brought her here and now she’s gone and done it. Saved her father she says. One life wouldn’t change the world. Ha! One life that shouldn’t be there can shatter the world! Stupid…stupid ape.

Stupid Time Lord!

_I can do anything. Just be careful what you wish for._

Yes, I can do anything. No one around to stop me now, no council, no rules, nothing, just me and my own stupid inflated ego. I knew what could happen. I felt it in the time lines. I could have stopped it. Instead here we are trapped inside a church with Reapers outside ripping apart this world. No TARDIS, no plan, no way out…how did I let this happen?

_Your wish is my command._

When did making her smile become so important? When did her needs start to overshadow mine? When did she become everything to me? I don’t understand what’s happened. Why do I need her so much? Why can’t I just walk away? Why?

_  
Just tell me your sorry._

_I am. I’m sorry._

__  
I’m sorry, Rose. I never should have brought you here. You saved him, only to have him sacrifice himself to save the world. Me? I took the cowards way out sacrifice myself so I didn’t have to face the reality of your death.

There was no way out. No hope. The TARDIS was only a means to escape. There was no way to stop what was happening. I knew that even as I told Rose that I could. I couldn’t see a way out. I gave up. No matter what I did I was going to loose her. I couldn’t live with that thought.

So I didn’t

One human could change the world. I just wish it hadn’t been at the expense of Rose. When I saw no way out, he saw the only option. He gave up everything-everyone, the chance to watch Rose grow up. He made a choice. The one I wasn’t willing to ask. He gave his life to save hers. She got her wish to say goodbye.

One stupid little insignificant ape saved the world today.

I’m not sure what that makes me.

IV.

I wanted to dance.

_You just assume I don't dance._

_What? Are you telling me you do dance?_

_Nine hundred years old, me. I've been around a bit. I think you can assume at some point I've danced._

__  
Who am I kidding, Time Lords don’t dance we evolved beyond that before you humans were even out of the primordial ooze. We didn’t need to dance we had the looms, no emotion involved.

Then why do I feel like this?

_Doesn't the universe implode or something if you dance?_

_Well, I've got the moves, but I wouldn't want to boast._

_You've got the moves? Show me your moves._

_Rose, I'm trying to resonate concrete._

_Jack will be back. He'll get us out._

I wanted to toss away the walls I put up between us and just take her in my arms and prove to her that I can be who she wants. In the end, I settled for resonating concrete while Captain Flash was off doing whatever it is he does. Rose still believes he’ll come back; me, well, I’d rather depend on a Neptunean slug then him. So trusting, my Rose.

My Rose?

_The world doesn't end because the Doctor dances_

No, the world won’t end, at least not today. Captain Flash actually pulled it off and we managed to stop the nannites; in fact, just this once, everybody lives. For the first time in this life…everyone lives! I feel alive…rejuvenated…happy. Then Rose is there in my arms and we’re dancing and I don’t care about rules, I don’t care about pain. I care about one thing.

Rose.

V.

I wanted to hide.

Just grab Rose and run to the end of the universe before everything comes crashing down on us. I can feel time catching up to us, I can’t stop it; all I can do is watch as the time lines twist and turn. Seeing Margaret again-some how that was the key and now…now I know.

_  
How did you think of the name?_

_What, Blaidd Drwg? It's Welsh._

_I know. But how did you think of it?_

_Chose it at random, that's all. I don't know. Just sounded good. Does it matter?_

_Blaidd Drwg._

_What's it mean?_

_Bad Wolf._

__  
Bad Wolf…bad wolf, why is that stalking us across time and space? What does mean? It’s not a coincidence, it's there right at the edge of my senses something calling, no, not calling…waiting. Waiting for the shadows to fall. Waiting for the pawns to be in place. I can feel the time lines merging. I can taste it. Something is coming.

And I can’t stop it.

_  
I spared her life._

_You let one of them go, but that's nothing new. Every now and then a little victim's spared because she smiled, 'cause he's got freckles. 'Cause they begged. And that's how you live with yourself. That's how you slaughter millions. Because once in awhile—on a whim, if the wind's in the right direction—you happen to be kind._

_Only a killer would know that._

__  
Yeah, that’s me, Destroyer or Worlds, Oncoming Storm, murderer, but I’m different from you. I only kill when there is no other choice. No other way to stop the evil from spreading. I remember ever face and name. I remember every mistake. I remember everything. I can’t allow myself to forget, because there’s no one else to remember them. No one else knows their names. I’ll never forget.

But you, Margaret, you kill without thought, you forget them, you lost your conscious along time ago. You lost your chance for forgiveness, for mercy-

But how can I condemn her when I can’t forgive myself for what I’ve done. I destroyed whole worlds…no I’m not like her. I don’t deserve forgiveness. She doesn’t deserve a second chance.

Neither do I.

_  
One wrong move, and she snaps like a promise._

__  
No! She’s supposed to be with Mickey not here. Not in Margaret’s reach. Not in danger. She was supposed to be safe. I can’t let her rip the universe apart, but I can’t loose Rose either. Why can’t I see a way out? Why can’t I see the time line?

Why can’t I choose?

The TARDIS starting to fall under the strain, my beloved friend, I can’t lose you. I can’t lose Rose.

I don’t know what to do.

_What's that light?_

_The heart of the TARDIS. This ship's alive. You've opened its soul._

_It's so bright._

_Look at it, Margaret._

_Beautiful._

_Look inside, Blon Fel-Fotch. Look at the light._

A second chance, more then you deserved. A second chance to do things right, to pass by the mistakes of the past, to live the life you want. Good luck, Blon Fel-Fotch, enjoy your second chance. Don’t make the mistake I have.

No second chances for me.

VI.

I wanted to scream.

She’s gone. I wasn’t fast enough-I couldn’t save her. Time was against me, and now My Rose paid the price. She was there running towards me, nearly safe and then gone. All I have left is a pile of ash. My mind is telling me to get up to destroy the ones who did this, but I can’t, why should I when my whole reason to live is gone now?

Rose…

_Don’t you touch him! Leave him alone! You killed her! Your stupid friggin’ game show killed her!_

No, I killed her. I never should have brought her here. I never should have gone back for her. I should have just left when I had the chance, I should have been strong enough to let her go. I can’t. I needed her too much. I was a fool and let myself believe I could protect her from anything. I was wrong. And Rose paid the price for my arrogance.

I can’t bring myself to fight when they pull me away, my mind to busy reliving the end over and over again. I can feel the rage starting to build, I keep it caged, now is not the time. Soon…soon I will let the monster loose. They will see the Oncoming Storm, and they will know why the universe fears me.

_Let's do it._

VII

I wanted revenge.

_That's impossible. I know those ships. They were destroyed._

_Appears though they've survived._

_Who did? Who are they?_

_Two hundred ships. More than two thousand on board each one. That's just about half-a-million of them._

_Half-a-million what?_

_Daleks_

Its impossible, they can’t be here! They burned with Gallifrey; they died with the Time Lords. Why do they get to survive while I get nothing but death and loss? What gives them the right to exist?

_I will talk to the Doctor._

_Oh, will you? That's nice. Hello!_

_The Dalek stratagem nears completion. The fleet is almost ready. You will not intervene._

_Oh really? Why's that, then?_

_We have your associate. You will obey or she will be exterminated._

_No._

I might have given them a second chance, might have let them scurry away and hide at the edge of the universe, but not now, they just lost there chance at mercy. They’ve taken too much from me now, they’re existence ends today.

_Explain yourself._

_I said "no."_

_What is the meaning of this negative?_

_It means "no."_

_But she will be destroyed!_

I can feel the time lines merging and splitting, the end of the Daleks, the end of me, Rose safe, Rose gone forever, all twisting and turning in my mind. All I have to do is grab on stream and mold into what I want and damn the consequences!

_No! 'Cause this is what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna rescue her. I'm gonna save Rose Tyler from the middle of the Dalek fleet, and then I'm gonna save the Earth. And then—just to finish off—I'm gonna wipe every last stinking Dalek out of the sky!_

_But you have no weapons, no defenses, no plan._

_Yeah! And doesn't that scare you to death. Rose?_

_Yes, Doctor?_

_I’m coming for you._

__  
And I always will, anything for you, Rose.

I am coming!

VIII.

I wanted her safe.

_If I'm very clever—and I'm more than clever, I'm brilliant—I might just save the world. Or rip it apart._

_I'll go for the first one._

_Me too. Now, I've just got to go and power up the game station. Hold on!_

It’s done. The TARDIS is where the Daleks can’t touch her. Rose is safe, back on Earth, 20th century London, back to her Mum, telly, and beans on toast. Back to her everyday life with no Daleks, no monsters, no me.

_You sent her home. She's safe. Keep working_

I had to do it, I had no choice, and she needs to be safe. I did the one thing I thought I could never do. I’m more afraid of her dying then of never being able to see her again, and now…now I know what time has been trying to tell me. Now I know why I survived while the others burned. I wasn’t meant to die then, I was meant to be here in this moment.

_But he will exterminate you!_

_Never doubted him, never will_

The sacrifice of a few to save the universe, the end of the human race, the end of Jack, the end of me…the end of the Daleks. For the first time since the Time War, I’m at peace. The War ends today.

_You really want to think about this. Because if I activate the signal, every living creature dies._

I have to! It has to end now! I can’t let their evil spread!

_I am immortal._

_D'you want to put that to the test?_

Jack’s gone. Rose’s gone I’m the only one left. I can end this right here right now!

_I want to see you become like me. Hail the Doctor! The great exterminator._

Destroyer of Worlds, the Oncoming Storm, Ka Faraq Gotn, I killed my own people, I won’t let this continue.

_I'll do it!_

_Then prove yourself, Doctor. What are you? Coward or killer?_

I…I …can’t. I can’t bring about the end of another race. I can’t.

_Coward. Any day_

I failed.

IX.

I wanted to love.

_I am the Bad Wolf. I create myself. I take the words, I scatter them in time and space. A message to lead myself here._

_Rose, you’ve got to stop this! You’ve got to stop this now! You’ve got the entire Vortex running through your head. You’re going to burn._

_I want you safe, my Doctor. Protected from the false god._

No! No! This wasn’t supposed to happen she wasn’t supposed to come back. What have I done? She’s going to burn. She’s going to die!

_You are tiny. I can see the whole of time and space. Every single atom of your existence. And I divide them. Everything must come to death. All things. Everything dies. The Time War ends._

But at what cost…Rose I’m not worth your life. I’m not worth your trust. I’m not worth your love.

_I can see everything. All that is, all that was, all that ever could be._

_That's what I see. All the time. And doesn't it drive you mad?_

_My head—_

I can save you, Rose…

_Come here._

_—is killing me_

I will save you!

_I think you need a doctor…_

I love you.

X.

I wanted to burn.

It was time. I had done what needed to be done. I saved Rose, and now I’m ready. I’m at peace.

_Rose Tyler. I was going to take you to so many places. Barcelona. Not the city Barcelona, the planet Barcelona. You'd love it. Fantastic place. They've got dogs with no noses. Imagine how many times a day you end up telling that joke. And it's still funny._

_Then why can't we go?_

_You're not making sense._

_I might never make sense again. I might have two heads. Or no head. Imagine me with no head! And don't say that's an improvement. It's a bit dodgy, this process. You never know what you're going to end up with._

Believe me Rose, trust me, this is what has to happen. Time has demanded a life, and I give mine willingly in order to save you. Remember everything.

_Rose, before I go, I just want to tell you, you were fantastic. Absolutely fantastic. And you know what? So was I_

Yes! Let the fire consume me; let my story end here and now. Let me be reborn. Let me burn for my Northern Star. Let me die, so I can live for Rose.

XI.

I wanted…

Pain…love…life…hope…

_Hello!_

Death…joy…fire…safe…

_I took you’re hand, and I said one word. Just one._

Warmth…home…family…Rose.

_Run!_

And we did.


End file.
